Surviving Life Changing Event's: One Woman's Story

We all have life changing events happen to us, and they must happen to help us grow, but we don't always know how to handle them.  Sometimes we have multiple life changing events and other times one major life changing event, and certainly everyone deals with different situations in their own special way.  This is not meant to be a step by step how to, but rather a tale filled with examples, and hopefully inspiration.  

I have had several people ask me to write more on my personal experience, and today I found myself thinking heavily on the last year and the many life changing experiences that I not only survived, but learned how to thrive in spite of.  Perhaps, my brief summary of the last year will help someone else. 

At the beginning of last year I was working at a company that I had been with for three years, it was frustrating and stressful, but it was stable.  I planned a trip out to Ireland, a place that will always feel like home to my heart, I had wanted to take this trip for many, many years.  Finally a friend and I, just did it.  When it comes to things like taking trips you always dreamed I believe you do have to “just do it.”  Too often people wait, they say someday, or when I have enough money, or maybe they just don’t think they can.  What are you waiting for?  There may not be a someday, you can always buy your tickets with your tax refund, a bonus check, or a loan against your retirement.  

Before I left on my trip I had sent my resume in for job that was in my career field, and I had gone on an interview.  On my way to the train station I received an email for screening, I was able to reroute my trip and make a pit stop at the clinic they provided before getting on the train.  While on my way to Ireland I received the job offer, it was for the same amount of pay, it was farther away, and it was a big change.  My traveling companion and good friend encouraged me to take it, she knew I was unhappy where I was, stagnate, and looking to get into my career field.  So I accepted the job.  It was fighting, leaving something stable for the unknown, but I had to take the chance.  I was unhappy a while at my current position, and I could make a move, or suffer in silence.

I came back from one of the best vacation trips ever, and to be honest it was the first true vacation trips I had ever had, and I submitted my two week notice.  I was upset to leave, I gave my notice and I cried, I can see where people might be confused when leaving a job, no matter how frustrated or troubled they are.  When you work someplace, you are there a large portion of your time, as frustration as my job could be, I still felt like my coworkers were like a family, a dysfunctional family but a family nonetheless.  It can be misleading to have these feelings, you start to think, maybe it isn’t that bad, maybe I shouldn’t leave.  You combine that with your fear of the unknown, the fear of losing stability, and the ever present fear of change, and it can make the move to a new job feel like it is a bad idea.  You start to think of staying in a place that deep down you know you wouldn’t be happy, and you cannot, you must move forward, you must confront your fears for what they are, and take that chance.

While I was here with my new position in this new place within the first month I lost my Cat, she had been with me for as long as I could remember, longer than any single family member.  I was shuttled from family to family as a child and lost my parents in different ways, and to different degrees, so the people consistently in my life were very few.  My cat was my baby, she was my family, losing her was terrible, I was beside myself with grief.  Before you trivialize the loss of a pet, consider this, owning a pet reduces your blood pressure, and lessen anxiety, they boost immunity.  I look at it this way my cats love me unconditionally, they come to me when I am sad or angry and nuzzle me, they know when I am not well, they are a constant, and they are family.  To deal with the loss of a pet you have to be open to how important they really were for you, and you have to realize that you are dealing with a loss, just like a loss of a family member.

My precious kitty wasn’t my only loss during the last year, I lost a friend of mine, a friend whom I thought we would have a great much more time.  She was young and vibrant, eccentric and quirky and I saw a lot of me in her and vice versa.  She was one of the most kind people I knew and it was very unexpected.  I did not handle it well, and why should I, I was already dealing with the loss of my old job, the fears of doing well and getting to know people at the new one, and the loss of my kitty, now this, it was as if some took my world out of their pocket and just kept shaking it to see what would fall out. I find the key with any loss is to forgive, and not just yourself, you have to forgive both the person you lost as well as yourself.  It’s normal to feel angry, frightened, depressed, and sometimes when people tell you “do you thing they would want you to feel that way”  you may want to cause them bodily harm, because you know they would want you to be happy, but you also know if they were there and you were upset they would hold onto you and possibly even cry with you.  However, they certainly wouldn’t want you to stop your life, to be unable to live.  And you yourself must find the strength to move forward even when you just want to curl up in a deep slumber.  Forgive yourself for not spending enough time, we all feel that way, and I believe we would feel that way regardless of how much time we spent with someone, it never feels like enough.  All you can do now is hold onto that and remember it is not always the amount of time, but the quality of time with those we care for.     

About four months after I settled into my new job, I went from the typical bachelor’s life to a single parent overnight.  I was working one day, feeling like everything was finally feeling comfortable, this place was my new family, and I was finally completing my assignments with more ease, finally I felt like everything was settling down. Things in my personal life were going good, I finally had my house set up and completed just the way I wanted to.  Then the phone call came, and I found myself taking in children for an undetermined amount of time, but it certainly sounded to be more long term than short.  Shortly after I was asked to pursue custody, and I didn’t miss a step, I moved my house around, it was now back in complete disarray.  I was fortunate to have wonderful friends who contributed and helped me get all the things I needed for the children, I maxed out my credit cards, put requests out to Facebook, and I slowly got them situated.  They came to me with nothing, and ended up with full rooms, toys and lots of clothes.  It happened so fast I didn’t have time to think, I only had time to react.

Within a month of taking the kids, I was offered a position with a new firm, a position that allowed me to learn a new skill set to add to the tool belt.  I knew it was risky, I knew they had let go of most other employees with exception of the core.  Yet, it was working from the house, and I could be there for the children, it was the same pay, plus ancillaries, it was what I was looking for, and it was perfect for the situation at the time.  I was still nervous, it was a small company, the person training me had let go of anyone else, I had serious misgivings, but once again I did not let my fear’s dictate my decision.  I took the new job.

It was a stressful four months, so many things to learn, so much pressure to learn them.  I was afraid for my position even though it was a trainee position, I was afraid I wouldn’t learn fast enough, and afraid to be let go.  This fear of losing my job had been with me for the last three places, and it did serious damage.  I didn’t speak up for myself, I suffered in silence, and because of this I was increasingly unhappy.  I was the equivalent of a people please, if only as it pertained to my employment, I was afraid to loss my job, so I was afraid to rock the boat, to speak out, and so I only spoke out when I was about to break, when I was desperate.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this until my next major life change.  If I could do it again, I would speak up more often, I would put my foot down, I would not pick up other people’s work to find myself drowning.  Most importantly I would not be a doormat for the company and subsequently I would be happier.  I can’t tell you why I suddenly became a doormat, I certainly didn’t used to be.  It could be I saw too many back door deals, I saw people plotting to demote or get rid of employees while the employee was completely unaware, and I did not want to get blindsided.

Four months after I took the newest position my next life change took place, I felt it coming.  The company was struggling from what I could see, my perception was that since I was a trainee and the newest member I would be the first to be let go, but I certainly thought  I would have more time to prove myself.  I got the call just after the holiday’s, thankfully, as it was I handled it poorly.  I was still shocked, I cried, I panicked, and I got angry, all in a cycle that seemed to repeat at various stages.  I felt like it was all my fault, what could I have done differently, I have kids, what am I going to do, I can’t be out of work, I’ve never been out of work, I’ve never lost a job before.  Despite the reassurances “It’s not you it’s us” I felt like a failure, and I was never accustomed to that feeling.  I had been going to college since I got out of high school, my last position I learned a complete new skill set within 6 months with half the hardship as this new company.  I could learn, I could do it, so why, why was this happening.  Then you realize, it doesn’t matter, did you do your best, if the answer is yes then you did everything you could.  After some time passed I was able to reflect more objectively and I realized it truly was not me, it really was the company and those that were assigned to “train” me.  I still deal with the raw emotions, the betrayal, the hurt, the disappointment and the anger but I had made some important decisions.

Job Loss is very difficult, and I did write a blog and article about handling it, I will leave it to you to read if you would like more insight.  The most important thing for me when moving forward, after losing my job, was to decide what to do next, and I decided that I didn’t want to work for a company or a person that would not make me happy, I don’t want a job I am unhappy at, or stressed to the point of breakouts, and breakdowns.  No, I decided that now was the time to look at what makes me happy, now was the time to get back into my own, and really look into ways to make that happen.  Losing my job could have been the worst thing or the best thing to happen to me, and I decided it was going to be the best thing.  I decided I was going to find ways to make a living doing what I love.  I had no delusions that it would be easy, I knew it would be hard work, and I knew it would take a time, but within three weeks I started pulling in a very small about all while doing things that I love.  Once I have more success I will be sure to write an e-book sharing how I did it, for all of you who may want to make a living doing what you love, working for yourself.             

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