Recently, I've been thinking a lot about all of the changes to my vacation plans, as well as HOW I vacation. The last few years I run my vacations like I have been running my life, I try desperately to stuff as much in as possible so that I can see everyone that I miss. Now I have several families and a few friends that I love to see, but they are everywhere, family in New Orleans, friends in Florida, Family in Georgia, Friends in So. Carolina and Family and Friends in Virginia and that is a lot of ground to cover.
Yet, this most recent plan has lead to some very careful consideration, not only on how I vacation, but also on rather or not I am engaging in a one-sided relationship, as well as what that might or might not mean. I mean does it matter if my relationship with my friends and family is sided, if I love them then I should not expect that in return. Right? That is what love is about isn't it? Well, let's work through this, take a trip through a small portion of my world.
I planned my vacation about 6 months ago, when I took my new job I made sure to get approval for my vacation in July, and although I told some of my family that the vacation was still approved. As it got closer to vacation my family in New Orleans had some other things going on, and New Orleans itself had a festival so it lead to a change in our plans, I thought perhaps we could go to Myrtle Beach first instead of second but it was too short notice to book plans there, so we changed our plans to Florida.
All of this last minute changing was stressing me out, how was I going to fit everything in, now I have an extra place I have to stay, considerably longer than expected, and I still have all of these other places I have to fit in if I am going to see everyone. So, I was chatting with a friend about my concerns and she looked at me for a moment and then shared with me some experiences that she had. She told she used to do the same thing, she would run around, trying to see everyone whenever she had vacation and subsequently she wasn't really relaxing. Then she said she realized something, she was going down to Virginia to visit her family and they were never coming to visit her. I stifled my protest " But, we live in New York". She continued to explain her solution and the results. So the next time she went down near her family she would tell them where she would be and let them come to her. Her result was that some family didn't come to her even when she was near by, and others came to see her everytime. She started to realize that it is a two way street, and she deserved the piece of mind that a vacation can bring.
Her advice to me was not to run around everywhere, tell them where you will be and let them come to you. I protested "But I will be a few hours away" her reply "It's closer to them than you are right now" and her question to me "Have any of them come to visit you here" I said out of everyone that I run to visit only 2 or 3 have made the trip or suggested a trip or suggested I meet them halfway. She said I deserved a vacation, a real vacation where I am not running around everywhere.
So there it was, how many people in my family have come to visit, how many even replied to my message that I would be in the area? My grandpa & nana replied to me, who will be in Georgia, I will stop in to see and be sure to visit, but I do honestly believe they would come to me in Florida or So. Carolina, because they have come to me here in New York. My friends Sam (in so.Carolina) and Joyce (Florida) moved from New York and so they also come back to visit, but again I believe they would come to me in So. Caroline and Florida respectively. My family in New Orleans has things going on, and it is probably too far for them to drive to Florida or So.Carolina to visit, so I expect that perhaps we will plan a separate trip at another time.
The more I thought about this older and wiser woman's advice the more I realized, I have always yearned for my families love, sometimes to an unhealthy degree, certainly they are not sitting around saying I hope Michol Mae is proud of me or I hope Michol Mae loves me, yet I would sit and ponder my family and friends. I would strive for my dad's approval. But here it is folks, I am not a child anymore, I have looked many of my issues in the eye and moved on from them. My abandonment and orphan related issues are more difficult but not impossible to move on from. Lots of kids grow up without a mom and a dad, lots of kids get shipped from one place to another, from one family to another, and lots of kids have families that let them go, shun them, forget them, or have fair weather relationships with them, so really I could have it a lot worse.
I always wanted to move back home to Virginia and it was often my first or second choice for vacation, for years upon years all I wanted was to move back, but I had low paying jobs working my way through college and every time I tried to move some major expense would come up and I would be too poor to move or even vacation. I had no place down there to move to while I got on my feet and the result was some in my family stopped believing I ever would move, in fact my youngest sister said she didn't believe it would ever happen. Now, she is right. I love Virginia, I do, but that is the child in me longing for the life I had before everything fell apart. I still do not always like New York, and one day when I do escape this state it will be to move someplace I love, someplace without the pain and baggage that comes with Virginia. So why would I vacation there? I think my friends Paula and Angie would come visit me in So. Carolina, and if my family wants to see me I'm not too far away.
Ultimately, all of this thinking and reshuffling and changing of plans got so overwhelming that I said, "I just want to go on vacation! A real vacation, where I don't have to run from place to place and worry about everything, I want to relax!" And so it happened I am booked in Orlando Florida for a week and going to Myrtle Beach for a week and we will stop and see grandpa and nana on the way down and up. I will let all my family and friends in the area know where I am, in case they want to visit. I am who I am and I love my family and friends for who they are, but their validation and approval of me, even their love for me is no longer something I can continue to vie for and lead a healthy and positive life.
~Namaste
